I’m not in any danger or life-threatening situation whatsoever. I just got a job that I hate, which is basically code for “I’m so fucked up”.

No art posts yet, I’m sorry. Seems that each day I go to work and endure all work-related stressors I lose my drive to do something/anything creative. I am living the life that I’ve always been trying to avoid. For a dreamer, it’s hard being surrounded by people who’ve become too accepting of what is practical that their lack of passion just rubs off on you and (I don’t know) I maybe starting to become one of them. I guess what I’m saying is that I really want to quit my job but I’m not brave enough to do that because I have no idea, at all, what I want…or if I have, I am not sure how to get there. Curse this uncertainty that comes with youth! I need to be around people who are passionate about something, people who don’t just live to survive. I know that the security that practicality offers is comforting but I don’t want to settle for just that, I want to take risks. And most of all, I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

But tell a pragmatist that all you want in life is to be happy, they’d tell you that’s the most absurd thing they’d ever heard. 

It sucks being normal. I’m gonna save up all my courage to be eccentric! And one of these days, I’m gonna quit my job and LIVE again :) I owe it to my self.

Good Morning.

I was gonna post another progress of my current work but I thought you’d eventually get tired of seeing WIPs of the same piece so I’m posting a text instead. 

And I really wanted to finish it today so I can post it here before I leave for somewhere but I don’t have enough time because I’m leaving in an hour and I still haven’t packed my things yet. If only I worked faster and spent less time on the internet…

Anyway, you’ll hear from me on Tuesday. Bye:)

I chose to apply for another job in a different company (which I will name COMPANY B from now on for convenience) because I haven’t heard from the first company (now naming it COMPANY A) I applied to. So I assume I didn’t get in. And honestly, rejection felt awful but I got over it and I have forgiven myself for screwing up the interview because I thought that might be the reason Company A hasn’t contacted me.

Moving forward is the only choice left. So yesterday, 11pm, I was scheduled to take an exam and have my initial interview with Company B and I like it there, so much so that I thought of immediately accepting the job if ever they would offer it to me. And at last I finally felt sure that I know what to do. 

However, I got a message today, from Company A, confirming that I got the job offer. Great! Just what I need, a disturbance of peace of mind. Now I don’t feel so sure anymore. I have weighed the pros and cons but I still cannot make a decision.

Company A is huge and I heard that the pay is really good and the training is excellent and the job is already offered, it’s already there—all that’s left is my acceptance. But it’s 2-jeepney rides away from my apartment and the working schedule is shifting. 

On the other hand, Company B is just a walking-distance from my apartment, it’s in a bigger building which ambiance makes me feel like a real working “girl” hahaha, working hrs are from 11pm-8am which is somehow ideal because I’m mostly awake at night anyway, never knew my fucked up sleeping pattern could be an asset…But I don’t know how much the salary is, and I am still unsure if I’ll get the job because my application is still under evaluation. And I probably wouldn’t have time to paint anymore because of the late night working schedule. 

I never wished to become a grown-up making very grown-up decisions too soon. I suddenly miss being a student.

Just got home from a job interview and I am proud to say I didn’t suck as much as I did before. I was relaxed, I kept control of my emotions and I didn’t blabber at all. In fact I almost believed myself as someone who’s done this a lot of times before and that I don’t get intimidated by authority figures anymore. Almost.

I can sleep well tonight… Now that post-interview trauma doesn’t consume me anymore, I think I’ll wake up to a very fine day:)

First of all, I want to point out that I am losing a lot of followers probably because of my lack of art posts—I’m not sure. But in my defense, I am busy looking for a job. In fact I just came from an interview today. 

I know I’m not dumb (Note: I feel the need for euphemism to not sound imposing and bragging). I do not shy away from a crowd and feel little among them… Ok fuck euphemism—- False humility aside, I know I am smart and I think smart. I even feel philosophically smart but what I did back there was absolutely stupid! It was my first formal interview and I blew it off faster than one could say “foolhardy hoity-toity ass”. The first interview wasn’t exactly bad, although I felt a little awkward and uncomfortable but it was just the kind of awkwardness that comes with youth and nothing more than that. I could even say I managed to impress the interviewer a little but, I don’t know, it might just be my mind convincing me that everything’s still going well. However, the second interview was awful! I went from being composed to panicky to casual and to just plain ME. You cannot fully grasp the intensity of this flaw if you haven’t heard me, being myself, talking. I talk too much. I talk too fast I forget where to stop and when to think enough is enough. It was a fiasco.  And the second interviewer was a little too haughty for his own good; what ticks me off is that my wits weren’t quick enough to say something impressive that will somehow keep him maintain a certain amount of humility in him. And as if to add fuel to the fire, my voice came out muffled and I fumbled for words like when one pretends to fumble for coins if a bum begs for some. It might have been the anxiety clouding my mind. I like to think that’s the case because I’m really not stupid. And it feels awful looking like one.

True; however, one will also find working with oil paints extremely infuriating sometimes. Today I went back to oil painting because I miss it and, after all, oil is the very first medium I used when I started painting for the first time. I remember loving it so much that I thought of not trying other media ever. But right now, I hate it and it’s just being a bitch. Today I also wasted 2 canvases just trying to get that pale, classical skin tone right and it’s just not happening. And I am VERY UPSET. I am not going to post a picture of the WIP because it’s horrible; heck I can’t even convince myself to look at it right now. To be honest, when I try a medium that I’m not familiar with I just get on it and experiment until I am satisfied with the result, I never consult Google or Youtube because I hate tutorials. But at this moment of great frustration, I feel the need to seek the advice of experts so I googled tips on oil painting and FUCK I found out I was doing it all wrong! No SHIT! I WAS DOING IT ALL WRONG! My hands are really itching to get it right and I want to start all over again but the nearest artstore is miles away, and even if it were nearby I don’t have the money to buy supplies right now. So what do I do? I PUNCH A MOTHERFUCKING PILLOW…and blog about the whole thing after I calmed down a bit.

Working on a commissioned painting for someone who insists on a portrait in Art Nouveau style particularly that of Klimt’s. And I have no idea what I’m doing :(

Nagbaktas kos dalan, panlalake kaayog suot, tapos naay bayot nanitsit nako. Sorry na lang jud gang, di ko Laki, di ko maya! Bayot jd ko! 

—-nagkiay-kiay dayon ko para kabalo siyang pareha mig dugo.

Oh hey, uhmmm…I added a link on my blog to some of my favorite music posts. Just in case you want to check them out if you haven’t yet. But I lost track of the others, maybe I didn’t tag them correctly.

And about that playlist which thewickedannabella asked for, I’ll work on it soon:)

I don’t want to jinx it but last night when I visited “Sala” (the living room) I was given a break to have an art exhibit there. They said I can use their space and I just work with my paintings and leave all the  preparation problems and headaches to them. 

See, the daughter of the owner bought a print of one of my drawings and she must’ve shown it to the partners and, I dunno, they must’ve liked it because they are very kind to present me with the opportunity. They are art enthusiasts, too. I guess they’re just happy to see young people interested in art especially the traditional which is an uncommon trait these days. 

But, to be honest I am not very stoked about the whole idea because I don’t think I’m ready. I have so many insecurities, like I don’t think I deserve it and is my work good enough? I mean I have so much to learn…however, I’ve been asking for this chance all my life. This can widen my connections and it’s probably the closest thing I could get to a philanthropic support. They say I shouldn’t feel pressured, that I should just enjoy painting because the exhibit won’t be themed so it’s basically just a display of whatever I have available. Well it’s not something very easy to do because my self is my enemy here which kindles pressure and I don’t want to end up having a meltdown which could happen.

Whatever, I don’t want to put bad juju on it so I’m not gonna talk about it again until it’s definitely going to happen. 

Here are pictures of the place. It’s just a small space but very cozy. It’s a creative space which offers painting sessions, photography sessions and from what I heard they also have poetry reading nights.

Photo Credit

Gumusservi is my new favorite word but one cannot use gumusservi often in an everyday conversation. Another word I like is anagapesis which is also weird when used casually. So what better way to show them off than to post a thought about them. However, there’s a very practical word which one can use everyday … insert in almost every word…bash in every sentence if one wills it—- FUCK! Simple it may be but what it lacks in length and style, it makes up for in attitude and “umf”. A glorious word that is full of interpretations depending on how it is delivered. So don’t worry, kids if you’re not pretty enough or popular enough. There is beauty in simplicity. Raise a middle finger to those who say otherwise. 

See? FUCK even teaches us a thing or two about self-esteem. It’s lovely.

FUCKYEAH!

It’s still astonishing that I made it through college (knowing that most of what I’ve been doing for the past four years involve alcohol, cigars, caffeine, slacking off, ditching classes, cramming and almost anything not related to academics whatsoever). I’m saying goodbye to condescending professors, incessant stacks of paper works which relentlessly haunt me in my sleep, le old tedious accounting and taxation classes; just basically everything that makes student-life miserable. All those years of torment, the hope-crushing grades, the anxiety before taking exams, the tart remarks of some insensitive profs who act as if they’re not talking to a human person but to some other incompetent being just because one doesn’t have a Ph.D after the full name or at least a fancy title before it…goodbye. 

This deserves a GPOY.

(a photo intentionally resized smaller so as to make that pretentious smile not obvious that it’s pretentious) 

(turning evil mode on!)

is that you talking or just your insecurity? you’re calling me stupid? now, when did that happen? just in case you’re wondering, ATENISTA AKO (in all efforts not to sound haughty, just making a point). I’m not really mean but if people like YOU—-AN ATTENTION-SEEKING CUNT, start to pique on me, i’m sure as hell i wouldn’t let that pass by! if you’re bored, go fuck a knife then tell me how that’s like! and don’t drag other people to whatever kind of baloney you’re up to! of course this would be futile. the weight of this message will not sink in to a thick headed bitch like you! hell, i don’t even know you and here you are, totally having this fixation over me. get over it, twat! go to hell and stay there! and lastly, im not a pokpok! my parents raised me well….I maybe a lot of things but never a pokpok!

(turning evil mode off)

*deep sigh……sometimes you just have to be meanly blunt to be heard.

i’m still alive by the way. i’ll sketch when our feasibility study’s done.

this week is so stressful, so will be next week and the week after next. 

2 more weeks to go and this semester will be over. the seriousness of my situation is starting to dawn on me so i will try to lessen my time online and will work on requirements and review for the comprehensive exams while i’m at it. 

i’ve to do this for myself….cuz the sooner I graduate from business school, the sooner i get to go to artschool (i hope)

**here’s to hoping i survive this tumblr-abstinence=) goodnight. meet you after two weeks or so.